P.G. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. These funny golf quotes and images coming from famous wise people are the most precious words worth sharing. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls." Theres enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game youre supposed to enjoy. Amy Alcott, 15. No other game combines the wonder of nature with the discipline of sport in such carefully planned ways. Follow These Tips on How To Handle Frustration. Nuts! These funny golf sayings are gathered here from all over the web so that they can serve your purpose. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." What's the difference between a golf ball and a car? Dirty Golf Pick Up Lines; Dirty Music Pick Up Lines; Dirty Holiday Pick Up Lines; What did Master Yoda say when Luke sliced the ball onto the next fairway over? Jack Benny. If I learn that you are a fan of diving - I would suppose that your psychological portrait includes such features as curiosity, patience, and insistence. Knock, knock If we weren't, we'd take up a less infuriating hobby, like knitting. The most redundant thing on a golf course is a ball-washer on a hole with water hazards. What did Chamillionaire say when he came in a stroke under par? How you handle failure determines how successful you will be. Muffet McGraw, 26. Pick the quote from here which describes your inner thought. You either need to learn to drink or take up golf. Turns out Im not a good scotch drinker. "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." -Lee Trevino "Golf is my profession. Without trust, it feels like you and your golf club are on opposite sides of a tug-of-war. Dr. Joseph Parent, 9. See photos about 15 very funny (and occasionally inappropriate) golf memes from Golf Digest Its just really hard to play. They have a hard drive. A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. "If everything was given to you, it wouldn't feel as good when you achieve it." Annika Sorenstam 24. To find a mans true character, play golf with him. P.G. Why did Tarzan spend so much time at the golf course? What is the difference between Rory McIlroy and Princess Diana? USE OF AND/OR REGISTRATION ON ANY PORTION OF THIS SITE CONSTITUTES ACCEPTANCE OF OURVISITOR AGREEMENT(UPDATED 1/6/23),PRIVACY AND COOKIES NOTICE(UPDATED 1/4/23) ANDCALIFORNIA PRIVACY NOTICE. The next minute youre painting the Mona Lisa.. Why not! Or on top." "I have lovemaking with you a lot in my head." "Let's have a 'who's better in b3d' contest. The means are as important as the ends. That's why I'm hoping you, Bleacher Report readers, will add some of your own content in the comments. These are results of some deep thoughts and observations from their lives and are like our lives because we are all human. I always said you have to be really smart or really dumb to play this game well. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. They like cricket better. But there is a difference between playing well and hitting the ball well. Dec 10, 2020 - Explore Shelby Clark's board "Dirty Golf" on Pinterest. Why dont skeletons play golf? Sunday Service. You dont know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket. Lee Trevino at his best. She can only show you her dirty secrets in private, only with you. Two men were playing a round golf, one of the men was just about to make his golf swing when he noticed a large funeral group passing by on a nearby road. Why don't golfers in England work in the afternoon? PG Wodehouse. What do you call a blonde at a golf course? Wodehouse, The value of routine; trusting your swing. So that you can share them back, with the whole world. He hauls off and whacks onebig hitter, the Lamalong, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. "The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.". Your source for the latest and greatest golf news, tips, gear reviews, and giveaways. Clubbing. Golf is a game where the ball lies like crap, but the player lies like a pro. I promise to lick your balls clean and polish your shaft before and after each use during the upcoming golf season. Ana Claudia Antunes, If you think its hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyones game: its called an eraser. Arnold Palmer, the King of golf and comedy apparently. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. I like big putts and I cannot lie. Its to move on. Correct one fault at a time. Your second mental problem is concentration. 3 of 10. A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked a question. A man got on a bus with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls. I prayed that I would react well if I missed. Chi Chi Rodriguez, 44. Why dont grasshoppers play golf? And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?" 8. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. Whos there? Rory McIlroy has a GOOD driver! In case he gets a hole in one. Photo: Shutterstock. It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. About 160 yards was his reply. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. Is that my golf bag in your pants because I just finished a long drive and I'd like to put my wood in it? Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course the space between your ears. -Bob Hope 3. David Brenner, For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." 3. How would you like to do something I won't do for anyone on the PGA tour? No defenders, no game clock, no excuses. Jack Lemmon is probably remembered best for his roles in The Odd Couple and The Apartment. Don Carter Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. You may share any of these heartfelt photos with funny golf quotes without hesitation. Thats incredible. Ive played the game for 50 years and I still havent the slightest idea of how to play. Gary Player, 39. What's the difference between a golfball and a Nissan? If it is the dirty element that gives pleasure to the act of lust, then the . For more great quotes on life, golf and from books and authors, check out this site and this site. Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do. Bruce Crampton making us think more than wed like to. Discover the views of a person who feels the same way we do. Jay Griffiths, Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken. Ray Floyd, 41. Why was Cinderella such a poor golfer? The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie. Mickey Mantle, owner of one of the sweetest swings in baseball, not so much in golf. GOLF DIGEST MAY EARN A PORTION OF SALES FROM PRODUCTS THAT ARE PURCHASED THROUGH OUR SITE AS PART OF OUR AFFILIATE PARTNERSHIPS WITH RETAILERS. Which is the easiest golf stroke? After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and sails the ball 20 feet over the pin, and backs it up to within 3 feet of the pin. Golfs a game where you shout, FOUR! and score a seven, while writing down a five. Use these pick up lines to your advantage in starting a chat with your guy or girl. clubs. I'll let you beat me. Golf is more complicated than that. Wodehouse, 31. Fear comes in two packages fear of failure, and sometimes, fear of success. Tom Kite, 21. What did the golfer say after performing yoga? "Damn, my shaft is all bent." So, I'm on the first tee with him. On the Green In Two. 2023 Lynn on the Links, LLC All Rights Reserved. A two-foot putt on the practice green doesnt spark many doubts. Sam Snead. Wodehouse, A great golfers mtier is his or her golfing skill, coupled with the mastery of good sportsmanship, rendering him or her an ambassador for the sport. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. How do you know a golfer is cheating on his wife? Your email address will not be published. "If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.". Its not just enough to swing at the ball. Pick your favorite one from more than 86 quotes about funny golf with images and use it wherever you like. William Topaz McGonagall, Golf epitomizes the tame world. Are you a Nike One Platinum ball because I'd like to see you on a T? Just ask my ex -wives. 5. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. These quotes and images about funny golf are the truest, wisest, and most positive ones to be found on the web. "The most important shot in golf is the next one." - Ben Hogan "I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators." - Gerald R. Ford "The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie." - Mickey Mantle "To find a man's true character, play golf with him." - P.G. Wash your balls. See you in the Email! Whats the shortest distance between the tee and the hole? He's the one getting his balls cleaned. What do you call a lion playing golf? Do you share these funny golf jokes? All lip, no hole. Nay! I play Bass. Golf Skirts & Golf Skorts Stylish, Fun & Comfortable. Happy Gilmore. Joe Torre, It is not possible to play golf consistently well without sound mental skills. Have a look at these best picture quotes of funny golf. 4. A guy will spend 10 minutes trying to find his lost golf ball. I collected hilarious jokes about golfing; some are very clean and others are like an old golf ball: pretty used and dirty. A dinner without wine. 1. Henry Beard, Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at. Wodehouse Features: Size: 7x18 inches Made from solid knotty pine Beveled edges Routed slot in back for hanging, Full Text: Some of the best cowboys aren't boys Features: Size: 7x7 inches Made from solid knotty pine Flat edges for shelf-sitting Routed slot in back for hanging, Full Text: Because if you aren't hurt, you're not really trying. For true success, it matters what our goals are. The right place is right here with me, in my bed. Golfing Quotes "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a -- Winston Churchill "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the -- Jack Benny "You can make a lot of money in this game. Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. If you dont take it seriously, its no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart. -- Lee Trevino "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. The man took a step back from his ball, closed his eyes and said a quick prayer. Instead of worrying about making a fool of yourself in front of a crowd of 4 or 40,000, forget about how your swing may look and concentrate instead on where you want the ball to go. Perhaps it's the depth of (often negative) emotion the average golfer feels as a result of the game that inspires him to wax poetic. Golf is a puzzle without an answer. "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Intercourse! Go back in time and start playing at a younger age. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it. In the Golf of Mexico! Please add a link to this site. All the fans are gone! It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing youre a bad golfer. How the heck did that happen? Wodehouse, Golf is Not a great sport. We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. I give him the driver. What kind of model is Paige Spiranac? It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I cant play it. To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. Although the same can be said of the rest of the items on this list, just reading the quote doesn't really do justice to its comedic value. document.getElementById("copyright_year").innerHTML = new Date().getFullYear(); We do our best to represent colors accurately, but viewing screens vary from one to another, and from real life. Joe Posnanski, Over the years, Ive studied the habits of golfers. You "Putt" Me In A Great Mood. A shot that goes in the cup is pure luck, but a shot to within two feet of the flag is skill. Ben Hogan, 5. Play golf. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. 1. Jack Lemmon, There are many things you can successfully fake in businessbut a good golf swing isnt one of them. If a bird sh#ts on your golf cart, do not ever take her golfing again. You are slightly ashamed of what you have done and worst of all you know it will Two rounds a day are plenty. Siegfried Sassoon, Golf is the infallible test. No matter the distance, its through that tall tree over there. Ben Hogan, Golf has some drawbacks. You must remember not to remember to think. He said. 5. Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235 yard par-3. Why did the blonde golfing pro cheat on his wife? Ben Hogan, The golf swing has been endlessly analyzed, and yet it still remains a mystery. Full Text: Thank you for still being my friend even though I only talk about my horse and I smell like a barn. The cat crawls out at night to smoke them and we are trying to get him to quit. How many does he do?, Man: Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.. Any birdie will do. The little ball that sat motionless, defying you to hit it. If a man comes home with sand in his cuffs and cockleburs in his pants, don't ask him what he shot. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you. I was off to-day! What did the Mormon say to his golfing buddies? What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day? / It is a gait he only knows / When he has on his golfing clothes. What does he do if you miss a putt?, Friend: Somersaults? Andy. Your email address will not be published. You look like someone who likes to swing. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows. "Gunga galunga gunga, gunga-galunga." A golf ball can be driven 300 yards. "I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.". Colleen Ferrari Bader, And does the man walk always so? Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. 63 Archery Pick Up Lines for Bows & Arrows, 23 Table Tennis / Ping Pong Pick Up Lines, 79 Marching Band and Color Guard Pick Up Lines. The smile looks really good on you. Whats the difference between golf and sex? You can enjoy both of them even if youre terrible at it! I am a Musician. So I thought I should start a website about jokes. 4. Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do. Bruce Crampton, 63. Funny Family Poems. Golf is such an individual game, and no two people swing alike. Kathy Whitworth, 14. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? I'd say how hard do I hit it, he'd tell me and I'd swing. What is a golfers favorite bird? I have always had a drive that pushed me to try for perfection, and golf is a game that perfection stays just out of reach. Betsy Rawls, 12. It can be difficult. Golf is a game that is special and unique in that there is always something to learn. Bring some friends, and we can play a foursome. Drops him off at the golf course! It took one afternoon on the golf course. 2. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Because he thought every day he needed to play around. Gardner Dickinson, Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious. Bye Bye Birdie. Originally posted by raffa nunyez. Ben Hogan. A bad attitude is worse than a bad swing. Payne Stewart, 48. Boo. Lee Trevino. George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. 22. Jeff Foxworthy, In order to develop a golf swing, your thoughts must run in the right direction. How does a brunette keep her husband from a blond working at a golf course? What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbation? 5. Hey would you like what you're hiding in your tight jeans to be the 34th ranked golfer in the world because I can make that V-jay sing? Golf turns outdoors into indoors, a prefab mat of stultified grass, processed, pesticided, herbicided, the pseudo-green of formica sterilityThe enemy of wildness, it is a demonstration of the absolute dominion of man over wild nature. Her husband thought that this was a riot and laughing said, Right train, wrong ticket., The wife failed to see the humor and not cracking a smile replied, No sleeper cars on that train either, Best Dad Jokes - the Good, the Bad, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters. After 18 holes, I can barely walk. Go to the golf course. Noah. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions. ", Required fields are marked *. It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the mens tee, please!. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it is disgusting to watch. 2023, 35 BEST Lionel Leo Messi Quotes (About Life, Work, and Football That Will Inspire You), 53 Cristiano Ronaldo Motivational Quotes (About Football, Hard Work, Life, and Family), Best Summer Captions and Quotes (for Family and Friends), 54 Helpful Business Quotes for Growth and Success. It bends a little to the left. Whats the difference between the g-spot and a golf ball? Full Text: Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be? I had a terrible round today, I only hit two good balls, and that was when I stepped on a rake. Gone golfin' be back dark thirty. A married couple were golfing when all of a sudden the wife asks, Wife: Honey, if I die, will you marry again?, Wife: Will you let her sleep in our bed?, Wife: Would you even let her use my golf clubs?. O'Grady's comment relates the essence of the experience of a lot of rounds of golf for a lot of golfers. As he approached the threesome, he said Hey guys, do you mind if I play through. I hope you can use them for your game and as inspiration. I'm a bit tired, so can we just play your backside tonight? 21. They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken. Raymond Floyd. His comment gets at a few things: the wondrous and fascinating aspects of the game and its tendency to make bold-faced liars of its participants. Whether you are watching or playing golf, everyone loves a good golf joke thats why weve rounded up these Funny Golfer Jokes that you and your friends can laugh about! The little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. Hey babycan you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose? Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella to the golf course? To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you cant improve your lie. George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. no! Jack Benny, The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight. Ben Hogan, I know I am getting better at golf because Im hitting fewer spectators. Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. See more ideas about golf humor, golf, humor. James Murray, Enjoyment of golf, regardless of the level you play at, is primarily based on how closely you play to your level of ability. Henry Beard, Like clubs inside my golf bag / each verse a different face / Some to drive straight down the course / others lift and then embrace. Bruce Lansky. Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off. Full Text: The Most Important Things In Life Aren't Things Features: Size: 7x36 inches Made from solid knotty pine Beveled edges Routed slot in back for hanging. Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter! If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron, not even God can hit a 1-iron. again, Lee Trevino, who would know a thing or two about lightning strikes considering he was stuck by it on the course. Success depends almost entirely on how effectively you learn to manage the games two ultimate adversaries: the course and yourself. Jack Nicklaus, 45. The 18 Best Golf Movies You Need To Watch In 2023, Top 14 Golf Podcasts You Should Listen To (Updated 2023), 7 Left Handed Golf Tips To Crush The Competition, 50 Side-Splitting Golf Puns & Jokes For Any Situation, Practicing Golf At Home: 10 Tricks To Improve Your Game. See more ideas about golf quotes funny, golf, golf quotes. - Bobby Jones Ewan McGregor, It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. Because it would interrupt their tea time. Twelfth son of the Lama. Their fore-fathers! "I'm the best. Whos there? I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer! Family Game: Do you really know your Family? Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. Dirty Quotes For Him "You can stay but your clothes must go." "Let's make love, then have a h0t dirty time." "I promise to always be by your side. Golf is a game invented by God to punish people who retire early. Like a PGA Tour pro once said to his pro-am partners, youre not good enough to get angry. So dont even try it. Golf is about how well you accept, respond to, and score with your misses much more so than it is a game of your perfect shots. Dr. Bob Rotella, 64. Very interesting. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.". A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. You are signed up for our newsletter! What do golf and sex share in common? Jennifer Wyatt, Muscular freedom is probably more important in golf than in any other sport, but very few players take the trouble to get loosened up. Steve Bann, It is surely quite superfluous to mention / To a person who has been here half an hour / That Golf is what engrosses the attention / Of the people, with an all-absorbing power. ~ Victor Hugo. "I'm in my bed you're in your bed ". If you break 80, watch your business. Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. I know what to look for. 2. And there are windmills. I just dont know where I fit in. Beth Daniel, 37. Of all the hazards, fear is the worst. Sam Snead, 27. I never learned anything from a match that I won. Bobby Jones, 62. Why do golfers hate cake? If there has been one fundamental reason for my success, this is it. Gene Sarazen, 22. She makes sure he practices having a stroke first to make sure he's handicapped when he meets a blond working at one. But you cant just forget not to think. When your golf cart capsizes. A smart shot is when you dont have the guts to try it. Phil Mickelson, 4. Kurt Philip Behm, Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease. Peter Jacobson, 33. Would you mind being treated like a green that I'm 140 yards away from, holding my pitching wedge with very little wind in any direction? Im the best. Dont even putt. Look at the size of his putter. You're more beautiful than a hundred pink flamingos on a golf course. "The most important shot in golf is the next one." Showing 1 to 56 of 56 entries Click me to show the form! Why didnt the golfer get his homework done? Get a Free Golf Handicap in the 18Birdies App. Funny Golf Quotes and Sayings. Mulligans are the reason golf balls come three to a sleeve. He always puts his driver in the wrong bag. 3 / 10. Keep your sense of humor. Again the announcement: Would the man on the womens tee kindly back up the mens tee!, Mike had had enough and shouted: Would the horses ass in the clubhouse with the loud speaker kindly shut up and let me play my damn second shot!. So what's it gonna be today, Stroke Play or Skins? Dirty jokes tend to be of sexual nature, make use of coarse language and can be offensive. "The value of routine; trusting your swing." - Lorii Myers. Lee Trevino, 59. Why did the golfer have to change his socks? The true funniest golf quotes of all time are likely never put to paper and aren't spoken by golfers or celebrities. If you win through bad sportsmanship, thats no real victory. Babe Didrikson Zaharias, 11. I have 10 sons, one more and I will have my own football team., To which the Mormon replies, You fellas aint got a clue. Dirty Golf Sayings. What should you do if you're golfing near lightning? It can be rewarding. 2. What do you jot down if you dont remember if you hit a 6 or a 7? The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. He also starred with the equally late and great Walter Matthau in one of my favorite movies, Grumpy Old Men. Michael Connelly, The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. Recently, I have discovered that Blogging can be quite a useful way, to share. "We learn so many things from golfhow to suffer, for instance." Lansky's quote is funny because, well, as golfers we're all a little bit masochistic. Dirt your body. Get a Free Golf Handicap in the 18Birdies App. 3. Hey you better be able to laugh at yourself in this game, right? 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